Ramblings of a Bipolar

2006-01-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

I get weekly news letters from About.com Bipolar I have received some very interesting articles. I thought this was very interesting, especially mourning the loss of the manic self. I have not been manic for many years and I still miss it. But I don't want to go there.
To sign up for the artilces the link is http://talk.about.com. I don't know if I would conceder electric shock. My uncles wife did it and she said she lost some memories of her kids experiences. I don't think I could except that.

Living Mania-Free
by Andy BehrmanAuthor of Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania
By and About Andy Behrman
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I spent nearly two decades of my life - most of the 80s and 90s - in an absolute manic frenzy. I couldn't move fast enough for my own good, and I couldn't consume enough. There were always too many "speed bumps" and "roadblocks" in my way. I used to travel from New York to Paris to Tokyo as if I were traveling within a ten-block radius of my apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, and I made these trips (sometimes three or four times a month) when the "spirit moved me." I felt bored when I wasn't on a plane, traveling from continent to continent - and I have multiple stamps in my passport to prove this manic behavior.
Weekly $25,000 shopping binges at Barney's and "high end" boutiques for clothes I barely wore were the norm. So were lavish meals with friends where I picked up $1000 tabs. These high-priced activities were within my limits because I was extremely successful financially, a testament to my manic behavior, not to mention my involvement in illegal activities. I could stay up three nights in a row and crank out screenplays and novels that would take other people years to write.
I lived dangerously, too. I picked up strangers in bars and after hours clubs, did drugs and drank excessively. I was involved in an art counterfeiting scheme that received tremendous attention in the New York media. This scheme finally came crashing down on me and landed me in prison and under house arrest for almost a year.
Since the drama of my manic frenzy, 19 electroshock treatments, all kinds of experimentation with medications and talk therapy is over, the dust has finally settled. I have been living even-keeled with only one major episode of manic depression in the last five years, and I have made tremendous changes in my lifestyle: I don't drink alcohol or take illegal drugs, I go to sleep on a relatively normal schedule, and I keep regular work hours. Most people don't notice any type of manic behavior at all when they meet me (God, if they had only met me at the height of what I call the "crazies"), and I seem like an average guy to them.
But for quite some time, I was left was left with a huge "gap" in my life because there was no manic behavior left at all. What's a manic depressive to do? There's a tremendous amount of loss associated with "saying goodbye" to mania, as it was my friend for so many years. I needed to fill this gap because my life felt so dull and I felt so lonely at the same time, too.
So I mapped out a strategy for myself to cope with this incredible loss. I decided I had no choice but to spend more time with friends, and that I had to immerse myself in my work. I became passionate about "filling the gap." I started scheduling activities (lunches, dinners, movies and parties) with friends and became rather obsessed with all aspects of my work, which happened to be writing (I was in the middle of writing my first book about by own battle with manic depression and my experience with electroshock therapy: Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania). And it started working. I starting feeling better pretty soon, and the dullness from living without mania didn't seem to hurt as much. And I found I wasn't bored at all.
There were always temptations that came with living alone with the "gap," and sometimes I thought about the old "manic me" and what I might have been doing years ago. Should I just go out to a bar? Should I just hail and cab and go to the airport and catch a flight to London? But my medications, my strategy and my commitment kept my behavior in line for the most part.
My new issue became a horrible fear or being an average guy (read: dull). The one thing I certainly never had been in my life was dull. You'll never find one person who would have described me as dull! I was always the life of the party - the guy with the lampshade on his head drinking a margarita. So it would seem reasonable that I would have a fear of being dull. I became a little nervous about meeting people in social situations, and I started overcompensating for this by being a bit dramatic, loud and sometimes even hostile. Keep in mind, too, that this was the first time I wasn't drinking alcohol or doing drugs in my life, and this complicated matters. But before you know it, I became pretty well adept in social situations, and I slipped back into being a pretty good conversationalist and found myself comfortable with people. I didn't feel dull, and I was sure that people didn't think I was dull.
Soon I started dating again. I hadn't done this is years - many years - because I hadn't had the ability to concentrate or to have a relationship. I stunned myself with my ability to date a woman I met from out of town and found myself involved in a relationship which I didn't allow to overwhelm me. Within several months, I found myself packing up my apartment, getting on the next plane to Los Angeles and living in a hotel there, questioning if in fact this wasn't some type of episode. But it wasn't. I was in love and had moved cross country to be with this woman - who had swept me off my feet.
Now I am in a town that I find to be easier to live in because, in curious comparison to New York, it is mania-free.You can't even find a diner open after 9:00 p.m.
Andy Behrman is the author of Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania, published by Random House. It is now available in paperback.

2006-01-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I was watching the Princess Diaries and Mia (Ann Hathaway) said that she was invisible nobody saw her. It struck such a chord. That is how I was feeling. That expressed it. I was hopeless and also invisible. And feeling that way in my pain I was very selfish and withdrew within myself. I am so sorry that I caused any one worry. I really did not think that anyone read or cared about what I had written.

Lamictal has been added to my meds. My lid doctor told me she felt like I would just get feeling better and then crash again. She said that Lamictal was good for people that have persistand depression like me. I have no trouble controlling the mania. It is the depression that is really kicking my butt. I am doing much better only time will tell when I am on a high enough dose that the effexer and be stopped.

Two days before surgery I had knee surgery. It went really well. But on Christmas Eve, I started throwing up from the pain meds. I could not stop. It was really bad. So my husband and my daughter bundled me up and took me to the emergency room. When we got there there was police, security and TV crews. It seems that a surfer was bitten on the ankle and calf by a great white shark. They were working on what the later would be 70 stitches. I got a shot of phenargen and hurried home to the turkey dinner my husband bought and the neighbor that moved in we invited over as he was alone.

I am doing better everyday. I have been so tired from the surgery, but I have had almost no pain.

One highlight I called my daughter that said she didn't want any contact with our family especially me. She started to cry and said she had been an ass and she was to embarrassed to call and say she was sorry. So I am working on rebuilding that relationship. We have been of the phone about 15 hours since Christmas. That has helped to relieve much of the dark painful depression.

Thank you for your concern.
Kathy

2005-12-08T00:26:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here, so emotional. I feel like if I have to live an other moment it will be too long. I can seem to do anything right and what I do right is not noticed by those that matter. I want to sleep and not wake up. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I have to feed my 150 birds or they will die. I don 't feel like I would be missed if I was gone. Too many tears. I can't see to type.

2005-12-01T18:57:00.000-08:00

I went to my med person about a week ago and talked to her about how I have been feeling. And I fessed up about picking my body to pieces. I am covered with open wounds. I hate it. But I can't seem to control it. I have been stressed out about my wayward daughter denouncing our family and not coming home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I last time I talked to her was Spring Break she came to visit.

We decided that I should come off the cymbalta and add effexer that I was on before. The reason I was switched to cymbalta is that it has show to help with fibromaygia and chronic pain. now I am coming off the cymbalta I can truthful say that it really was heping with my pain. Now I am slowly adding more effexer I am doing better at not picking although I have been doing this since I was in first grade when I was stressed.....the teacher liked to hit me. I don't know if I can stop completely.

My mood has improve so much so far. It is hard to believe that a week and a different medication can make so much of a difference.

Well, hope you are all having a great holiday!

2005-12-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

just came in from the outdoor aviaries and I am smelly and exhaugsted. My head has been trying to hatch a headach all day. I think it is coming on for real now.
I lost one pigeon baby at the first of the week. I asumed that it was just a bad mother or a tired mother. Then the next day I could see the sibling was in trouble so I took it out of the nest and brought it in the house and started hand feeding it. It is doing great. He has about half of his feathers. Tonight I found the other parents guarding dead babies. Pigeons are new to me so I don't know what is wrong. Maybe it is to cold to be breeding. I took out all the nests so no more babies. I will have to watch for stealth egg laying. They like to get behind the feed box and lay there.
I have noticed muddly racoon prints on the outside of the aviary. I think they wanted to get in there and eat the eggs and babies. We have had alot of trouble with racoons this year. We leave the sliding door in our bedroom open just a crack so the cats and go in and out. The racoons were squeesing in and raiding the cat food at night while we where asleep. I FEEL SO VIOLATED! We then started closing the dark when it got dark. That worked for awhile. Then I caught one sticking his head in as I walked in the bedroom. I got a stick and chased it to the deck. It sat on railing and looked at me like "I ain't going anywhere." So I went over a slapped him with the stick...it was a long stick. He didn't seem to mind he just slowly climbed a tree next to him and jumped into the neighbors year. It as if they are at the top of the food chain. AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUURRRRRRGGGG!
I have to go to Portland the nearest large city tomorrow to have my knee looked at. I think I got everything done for the birds tonight. I worry about how I am going to care for my birds if I have to have surgery. The doctors here have told me I will have to have surgery....but I don't trust the critters here. Very small town doctors.
I may come back with some new birds tomorrow.
Btw, my husband decided it would be nice if we got some spice finches. He thinks they are cool. If you very look at spice finches I guess they really look like a manny sort of bird. They had some here at the local pet shop. I got four. I hope I have at least one pair. You can not tell them apart. I have really been looking into finding out how to do the DNA testing myself to sex birds.
Well, time to be getting the rest of the house ready for tomorrow.

2005-11-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here thinking of the last 2 weeks, drinking a Rockstar, and thinking about the last 2 weeks. I thought that I would be able to come here and write when I was having a hard time. But is seems as though I have advoided this like I avoid family and friends when I am at deep in depression. I need to be here. I know it will help me.

Sometimes I wonder if I avoid people or if others withdraw. They love the cheerful, bouncy and happy Kathy. But they are not sure what to do with the dark and depressed Kathy. It is true that people are drawn to light and avoid darkness, so it isn't really their fault. Or have I had bad luck with friends in the past and now I withdraw out of habit? I know that I have some really good friends now, so am I acting out of past pain? Acting like a dumb ass?

I am feeling much better. I am wondering if I need lights for seasonal affect disorder. I think that is what is called. I grew up in Utah. Lots of sunshine, even in the winter when there is snow on the ground. Now I live in the Northwest on the coast where we get three days of sun and we have already used 2 days. This depression seemed to start with the last storm. It got so dark that it looked like night most of the day. That is hard for a sand dweller to take. It has been a little sunny the last few days and my mood is much better. Today it is getting dark again. aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggg!

2005-11-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

On the TV show criminal minds Tues once again the 2 bipolar people were shown as a unkept, bumbling idiots, prone to criminal activities. I am so tired of seeing this. How can it be stopped?

2005-11-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

My husband brought home a full page ad about Abilify(aripiprazole) in the newspaper. I have not heard about it before and I wondered if anyone has taken it before? I will go look it up on the net, but first hand information is best.

2005-11-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

When I first found out I was bipolar my husband was not amused at what the lithium did to me. He wanted his over-sexed wild wife back. As he put it is one hell of a ride living with a bipolar. He would beg me not to take my meds and try to provoke a manic. Then came a really down side. I was suicidal, I was having so many medical problems from running on a manic for almost a year straight. I never thought I would be the same. Now my husband reminds me to take my meds everynight and loves me even on lithium.

So my husband loved the manic. My oldest daughter says that my manic behavior ruined her life and she will not talk to me. Me, for a long time I felt so guilty for the stupid things I did when I was manic. Now I am learning to forgive myself and others for their reaction to my illnes.

2005-11-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

It is amazing that when I am manic I look completely different. My whole face changes.

2005-11-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

I found these pictures from the last time I was manic. And yes it is a red corevette.

2005-11-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

Money Back Under Control
I spent most of the day going through records and making sure bills were paid. I wish my husband would do the bills. He has threatened, but his job makes it almost impossible for him to do the bills. When I was younger I was a tight wad! I made a penny cry. But since my huge spending spree of about $40,000 it is very hard to control my spending. I got in the habit of just buying anything that I wanted when I wanted it. Then when I was down with fibromyalgia I got use to not cooking. My husband and my daughter love to eat out. Eating out is so expensive, as we all know. I have cooking more. My knee starts to really hurt about 4:00 and continues to get worse until I go to bed. THE PAIN SAY: 'McDonald's....Taco Bell.....It hurts too bad to cook. But I have been strong for the last week and cooked.

AAAUUUGGGHHH......Controlling the bipolar is great, but trying to break those habits we get takes more than medication. It takes courage and trying over and over.

2005-11-02T21:40:00.000-08:00

Nightmares!
I wanted to post this about the nightmares I have been having incase anyone else was having the same problem. They were so terrible. The most horrible disgusting dreams you can think of. I could not believe I could dream something like that. Not something that bad. I thought I must be a terrible person. When I went to my mental health professional I talked to her about it. They where so bad I could not even tell her the whole dreams.

She said that this is happening all over. Menatl health professionals where reporting this happening all across the country. I was not a horrible person. I was just reacting to what had happened durning the hurricane Katrina. The things we heard about people living in human waste. The killings and rapes (now found to not have happened or were greatly misreported). People losing family and homes. In this world of instant and sometimes misrepresented news, some of us with tender hearts and mental illness can not handle it. So it comes out in our dreams.

So if you had the same thing happen. You are still a good person. Just a person trying to process heartbreaking information.

2005-11-02T21:32:00.000-08:00

Mixed States
I am so confused. I can not tell if I am going up or if I am going down. I did some major shopping....Usually that means up, bad up. But for me it means I am tired of being down and I want to feel like I did when I was up. I did some major damage to the family checking account. My husband was understanding, but asked that I put my debit card and card cards in the desk until I felt better and we got paid.

I find myself not wanting to wear my seat belt and resisting that habit of many years. I usually do that when I am starting to feel suicidal. But I don't think I am suicidal.

Maybe I am experiencing a mixed state. I experienced that for the first time a few weeks ago. I certainly is hard to figure out. It sucks! I really don't like it.

But I am doing fine. I don't want to be fine. I want to be good. I want to be great. I want to feel life again, not merely trudge through it.

2005-10-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

I guess people are not the only ones that suffer from mental disorders. We have many animals and most of them are crazy. House full of pysco animals. My newest kitty is really having problems. I love him very much as I recused him when he was 2 days old and bottle feed him for 6 weeks. The fist few weeks were hard with the getting up in the middle of the night and all. Just like a human baby. Any way......this cat HATES HIS TAIL. He growls at it. Hisses at it. Bites it. And runs through the house yelling at it. I have sprayed it with Benidryl spray. Put cortizone cream on it. Nothing seems to help. If you have any ideas let me know. If it doesn't stop I am going to have to take him to the vet. I am afraid they will put him on kitty prozac. I can hardly afford all me meds. I hope kitty prozac isn't costly if he needs it.

We have a dog that chewed her butt for a while. We called her baboon butt. We put on a cone on her and that seems to do the trick.

We have another cat that after my daughter left home decided that he hates everyone. If you walk behind him he will hiss at you. If you talk to him he hisses. If you try to hold him he spazzes out. But come night time just as we are going to sleep he sneaks up on the bed and sleeps on my husbands leg.

I have even had pyscho birds. I had a zebra finch that would kill his wives. He lived to be about 10 years old and was mean until the day he died. He did make pretty babies. I have one parakeet. I call her killer. I have to keep her in a cage in the aviary because, she feels like she is the only one that can have babies. She went around killing all the other babies. You can imagine how I felt when I found the dead babies. I didn't know who did it until I found her with blood stains are her beak.

My daughter has a Corgi, and we do love the dog. But he will not mind. She is taking him to 4H. All her friends laugh at her because she is in the corner with the dog the whole time. It is easy for them to laugh....all her friends have labs. They are easy train.

2005-10-30T18:18:00.000-08:00

When I went to AZ this summer to see a friend I went horseback riding and I tore the cartilegde in my left knee. I need to have surgery. But I have been putting it off because it wasn't really painful until now. Yesterday I was sick to my stomach most of the day from the pain. Today I have been down in bed most of the day...maybe it is the flu, too. I have had chills all day. I really like living where I do, until it comes to medical. There is only on ortho surgeon here and he is not very good. I am going to have to find a doctor in Portland, OR or Longview, WA. My life was just coming together. I don't need to deal with knee surgery. But, if the pain gets much worse I am going to end up in the ER. I guess I am going to have to call tomorrow.

2005-10-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

One thing that has really helped me in dealing with this illness is my little business of breeding birds. I love birds. They are so curious and comical. I started this by chance, about 20 or so years ago my boss gave me two zebra finch. Since then we have had these interesting birds. Three years ago my daughter wanted to get a larger cage and 3 more pair of finch. It didn't take long for us to have many zebra babies on our hands. My daughter and I would take the babies to the pet store and trade them for birds seed or millet and other supplies. Soon we received cash for the babies.

I started researching about different kinds of finch and decided to buy a pair of owl finch. Then I asked for Gouldian Finch for my Christmas gift. It just seemed to snow ball after that. Now I have about 12 Zebra Finch, 9 golden Finch, 6 Owl Finch, 4 Society Finch, 4 Canaries and 11 baby Zebras ready for the pet store in the indoor aviary my husband built for me. Outside my husband built me 2 aviaries. In one aviary 8 Parakeet, 4 cocktail and 6 Button Quail and 12 baby parakeets waiting to go to the pet shop. In the other aviary I have 9 white wedding doves (homing pigeons) I hope to start a wedding release business with these beautiful birds (but they sure do poop a lot).

The reason I believe this business has helped me so much is...Not only do I have bipolar disorder, I also have fibromylagia and ankaloting spondilitis. Even though I am in remission most of time, I am not able to work outside the home. I, like many bipolar am extremely creative and need an outlet. The birds are my outlet. I am not making any money yet, but it makes me very happy. It gives me a chance to use my talents. Hmmm.....What are my talents you ask? Well, I guess the one that helps me out the most with my birds is I can get anything to breed. My friends are amazed. A friend said I have the gift of giving life. I also love to work with computers and create web pages. I am not that great at it, but I love to put the pages together. My birds site is www.oceansideaviary.com . I love to create diets for my birds. I feed them very well and their feathers are so tight and sleek.

I have to feed my birds no matter how bad I feel. Unless I am really in bad shape and then my husband and daughter feed them. This keeps me from staying in bad and feeling sorry for myself when I am in the depressive stage, because my birds depend on me.

Yesterday I had a baby Gouldian get caught behind the small mop I keep in the aviary. I have figured out that the babies do not fly to well and they hit the wall and slide down. Then they get caught up in things that are against the wall. The baby had been there for awhile and he was all bloody from thrashing about. My husband rescued the baby and he and I cleaned him up fed him hand feed bird food from a syringe. It was pretty weak. We didn't think he would make it. We feed him all yesterday and put him in a small box under a light to keep his body temp up. This morning he was stronger and tonight he was flighing around. He still isn't out of the woods, but he is doing really well.

I am feeling much better today. Meds are kicking in and my birds are keeping me busy. I am so grateful to have such an understanding husband he has been so encouraging with my bird project and mostly just trying to live with this illness. He wasn't always so understanding and that made both of our lives hell. Now it is so much better. Michelle my youngest daughter...the joy of my life. Thank to both of you.

2005-10-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am up in the middle of the night and very depressed. I have been pretty even on my meds. I even was feeling happy and playful again. But I messed up my meds and now I am going through hell and starting over again. I was crying not stop...Thought this would help. So far it has. You can't really type and cry at the same time.

It seems like when you are down those same old demons come to haunt you. To make a long story short... My daughter that is 19 now had a breakdown when she was a Junior in high school. We did every thing we could to help her, but living in a rural area it is hard to find good help. So we packed her up and sent her to Utah to live with my parents. It seems that during this time my daughter decided that I was the root of all of her problems and the my being bipolar screwed her up and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I have not spoken to her since spring break. She has refused to talk to me on the phone and would not answer my emails. She did come home for spring break and conned me into buying her a $299 digital camera and clothes. Then when she went back to Utah I was hated again. She made a big point to sent her sister a birthday present and card. But mine passed with out even so much as a card.

I know that I was a good mother. I did not smoke or drink. I did not beat her or assault her character. I sewed for hours so she could have the clothes that she wanted. I helped at her schools. I made sure she went to church. I helped her with her homework. I prayed with her. I loved her with all of my heart.

Also she has turned my family completely against me. They let me know as often as possible how disappointed they are in me because of the things I did when I was manic. They bring up my mistakes and tell me how terrible I was. The things I did where over 5 years ago. How long must some one be reminded of their mistakes. Of causer the mistakes they make are off limits. Because to point out any of my parents mistakes would be disrespect. Yet they are fine with my daughter lampooning me at every opportunity.

The hurt and anger I feel sometimes is so overpowering I feel that I can not go on another day, but I still go on. And I wonder if things will ever be somewhat better. Sometimes I am even happy.

I am feeling better. When I type it is like talking to someone that understands.

It is just me!

2005-10-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Kathy. I just turned 46 years old. I am a wife, a mother, a bird breeder and I AM BIPOLAR! Saying this hasn't always been that easy. The mental illness of Manic Depression also know as Bipolar Disorder has a huge stigma attached to it. I have lived with this stigma for the last 7 years.

Now, I am ready to make a change in the way people view those that suffer from Bipolar Disorder. I am so tired of hearing on the news....And the killer was Bipolar, or the rapist was bipolar or the sick bastard that committed all those terrible crimes was Bipolar. I am tired of the bad guy in the movie having Bipolar Disorder. I am tired of people watching me wondering if I am going to do s Adding the the already oppressing stigma of trying to live and cope with the mental illness Bipolar Disorder.

It is not all bad to have Bipolar Disorder. Many famous creative peolpe suffer from Bipolar Disorder. It is a major balancing act with medication, therapy and diet and exersice. If you are one of the lucky ones that learned to balance their diease you are one of the lucky ones. My goal here is to educate with experence humor and understanding.