I am sitting here thinking of the last 2 weeks, drinking a Rockstar, and thinking about the last 2 weeks. I thought that I would be able to come here and write when I was having a hard time. But is seems as though I have advoided this like I avoid family and friends when I am at deep in depression. I need to be here. I know it will help me.

Sometimes I wonder if I avoid people or if others withdraw. They love the cheerful, bouncy and happy Kathy. But they are not sure what to do with the dark and depressed Kathy. It is true that people are drawn to light and avoid darkness, so it isn't really their fault. Or have I had bad luck with friends in the past and now I withdraw out of habit? I know that I have some really good friends now, so am I acting out of past pain? Acting like a dumb ass?

I am feeling much better. I am wondering if I need lights for seasonal affect disorder. I think that is what is called. I grew up in Utah. Lots of sunshine, even in the winter when there is snow on the ground. Now I live in the Northwest on the coast where we get three days of sun and we have already used 2 days. This depression seemed to start with the last storm. It got so dark that it looked like night most of the day. That is hard for a sand dweller to take. It has been a little sunny the last few days and my mood is much better. Today it is getting dark again. aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggg!